6 months after

Yesterday was father’s day and it was exactly 6 months ago to the day yesterday, that we lost my dad. Yes, 6 months have passed by …. in the blink of an eye. How has it been? That I can even bring myself to ask that question means it has gotten better. But since when? Just from a few days ago. The almost 6 months since his death have been very hard to say the least. Any thought of him would always only choke me up. Initially the memories of his suffering would be fresh and very hurting. Over a period of time, that changed to having memories of him from different years. And in the last couple of months, the memory practically zeroed in on memories from my childhood – when my dad was robust, energetic, and healthy.

In Nov and Dec 08, I must confess, the big wish was to see his suffering end. While it was terribly saddening when he passed away, I was also happy that he wasnt suffering anymore. What I then didnt realise was how the loss was so much bigger than I had ever imagined. So much more permanent than I had ever expected. It is not like he had gone away for a while. While it may seem obvious, this deduction of mine, it took me a while to really get it. Am I handling death for the first time? No. But at such close quarters, yes for the very first time.

When the memories of his suffering started going to the background and memories of his younger days started coming to the foreground, sometimes it was very hard to distinguish the timelines. I was so consumed by having lost him, and in my mind that translated to having lost his unconditional love. So there was this huge void inside of me whenever I thought of him.  And really talking about him wasnt something that I resorted to. What would I have put into words? And did I really want to put any of those 20+ year old memrories into words? That they were so vivid was so hard to comprehend, to begin with.

And then very suddenly something changed – a change that I didnt consciously make happen. But it was sudden for sure – when his loss didnt seem to create that void anymore. And that was very different and very new. In a way, quite strengthening too. And then it looked like the extreme suffering had come to an end. And that has stayed that way – no more of the extreme distress. That it was ok that he wasnt amidst us. But it took a certain journey to arrive here. Was the journey hard? Oh yeah, without a doubt. But could I have gotten here without that journey? Nope, dont think so at all.

9 Responses to “6 months after”

  1. Hii manni,

    I believe everyone goes through a journey when we lose our someone special. Just remember that, there are others in this world who are here for us. They are those people whom we have to make happy and who will make us happy..

    We learn it the hard way.. But, it stays for life long with us. I learnt it four years back.. :-( I can’t forget him yet.

  2. Hi Chitra, my father died 10 years ago last week. I think your thoughtfulness and reflection will help you on your journey through this. I can tell you that the whole first year can be pretty tough as you encounter all the “firsts” without him — birthdays, holidays, seasons. But the worst is behind you now.

  3. I remember coming across your photostream on Flickr about 6 months back when you shared the sad news of the departure of your father. It seems to me like that happened more than a year back. Certainly, time is relative. But it is also the healer. The void that your father left is no longer empty. The stories, the happy times, the sad times, the unconditional love he showered, the anger to correct everything wrong, the wisdom… they all replace the empty space. The void is now filled with memories and as long as they are there, he continues to live on.
    The post is laced with so many emotions that your undying love for him emanates out of it. It is a very fitting tribute to him.

  4. Bhavani, hugs dear.

    Luf, thanks for stopping by. Hugs.
    My dad would have taken immense pleasure to be around for all of the kids’ events, activities. He would have been enthusiastic about every little thing they are likely do. But it is what it is.

    Sudhamshu, thanks for commenting. Yes, time is relative. Love, I guess, that is the one thing that will stay unchanged.

  5. Such a heartfelt post Chitra. Time is so hard to judge in a situation like thia. Hope the memories grow stronger with time and the pain reduces.

  6. It is true we realise what we are missing once we really miss them. no doubt when u see one dear suffering certainly one feels his suffering should end. no one wants to loose dear and near but still dont want to see them suffer too. life is like that. we miss we add we get on
    time and tide waits for none like the tick tick of a clock second gone is gone for ever.
    what we have lost we can not get back but certianly we can make the loved ones presence by following all good things and practices of them. this is within our own hand to see that they are literally with you all time
    have a gr8 time and my salutaions to your DAD

  7. Shalini, thanks. :)

    Praneshachar, thanks for your thoughts. :)

  8. Hey Chitra,
    I was deeply moved after reading your blog.
    I can perfectly understand, it’s been 3 years since I lost my dad. Now I only think of his happy days :) that keeps us moving.
    It’s a void….but it also makes you stronger without you realising it.

    It’s just that we learn it the hard way.

    Trust me, the memories will always to be there and we just need to smile :)

  9. Chitra,
    I just came across your post recently. I lost my father in May to cancer and am still coming to terms with the loss. I would like to start some sort of service in B’lore to help cancer patients and families deal with the tremendous suffering both mental and physical that they go thru. When my father was suffering we felt that there was not much counselling or advice given by the doctors even though my father was a doctor himself.
    Please get in touch with me by e-mail and let us talk further.

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