“Death is definitely one of the vital aspects of life.” good, thoughtful comment. every stage in the process of ‘aging’ is enjoyable, every situation is enjoyable.
i think the circle of touch points that each of us crave for like people, events, newspaper, mindsets, products, everything.. is hard to get in an alien culture, and that’s the reason we all gravitate towards other desis during weekends. it satisfies the thirst for ‘our kind’ once a week. these are readily in india. rare here.
It seems to me you could have all of that for your kids in the US - in fact I think most people in the US do have that - maybe it would’ve involved moving into a different community or broadening yr circle. I know I see this through American eyes, but I think what you describe is not really about India, but maybe about knowing more people. I lived in SF and saw all strata of society and knew people that died and had non tech friends.
Just found your blog and I love it ! I feel most things that you do too. Life was/is just too limiting for us techies in the US. Maybe the solution would have been as a commenter pointed out, to get to know more people from all strata of society.
But having gotten into a comfort zone in a foreign country, it’s hard to break out of the shell.
And heck, there are way more bigger reasons to move back, but these are also pretty significant.
BTW, in response to a previous post, you get fitted sheets and other gorgeous bedding at Maspar (Forum Mall).
Having lost my mother just 2 months back (in India), I can relate to this blog very well.
However, as another person commented, I don’t think you will miss these things completely if you are in close circles of other ethnic groups and commnities in and around you.
A couple of months back, a colleague of mine (American) passed away and we attended his memorial service and came to know about the rituals they follow here. Just a month before that my friend’s father (Indian American) passed away and I attended the memorial service. It was in a temple and again a mix of both American, Indian traditional rituals
Every time I read a post of this kind from you I am amazed at the way you and your husband chose to look at things and the kind of choices you made. Bravo!
Anil, thanks! Interesting point there about ‘circle of touch points’.
Ram, thanks!
Debbie Ann, what you say is true about life in the US. It is true about anywhere in the world, really! I guess my post doesn’t bring out the family part too much, but that was what made the coming together during the mourning stronger for me. And what Poppins says is true about the reluctance to get out of one’s very comfort zone. Here, we already have a framework!
Poppins, welcome to my blog. You are right about the comfort zone. Thanks for the Maspar suggestion. Will check it out.
Nags, you are right about getting an opportunity to attend the memorial services while in the US. However, personally for me, I would prefer the 13 days with the extended family.
My experience while in the US was similar. It seems like most Indian techies in the US seem to have only Indian techies as friends. Surely, nothing prevents them from having people from other walks of life and ethnicities in their social circle.
Indians there hardly seemed to take part in activities such as mountain biking, rock climbing or even plain hiking or camping. I’m sure they would have a more diverse social life if they do so.
I still don’t get the point you tried to make about Indian ceremonies related to death. I would rather grieve privately and get over with the formalities as early as possible. I don’t see the need to make a big issue out of it
Hi, Thanks for stopping by at my blog. This post really hit home .. our social lives here somehow end up being limited to other Indians … I am not saying that it is a bad thing but it is definitely limiting and somewhat unhealthy too (this is my personal opinion, of course)
I find your blog very informative and insightful and am here a lot .. do you know of anyone who has a R21 Madras blog going ? That would really help me lots!!
Hey Chitra, got here from SS’s blog, and very glad about that.
Well i personally believe that the kids shape out the best when they grow up in a small town that has a close-knit community, less than 100% infrastructure and a medium pace of life. I have come to this conclusion after many, many observations.
So in a way i know what you’re saying, and i agree with you. I really believe you will not regret bringing you kids back to india and letting them grow up here. When they’re ready to leave home, they’ll love India and will go find new reasons for loving another country too.
bangalore_zen, welcome to my blog. Actually Indians do take part in a lot of outdoor activities, especially the younger crowd. My husband and I did a few of those ourselves. We hiked plenty, went white water rafting, ocean kayaking, skiing etc. However, we stopped most of these after having kids. With 2 young kids, we didn’t do much of our earlier activities. Now, those activities were fun by themselves, however, it didn’t still replace the need for things Indian, especially after the kids were born.
About the ceremonies, look at it from a child’s point of view. Imagine if all the adults had chosen to grieve privately and to just get done with the necessary formalities ASAP, the child will most likely be left confused and in the dark. Instead, bawling loudly, and going through the ceremonies helped me as a child, to grieve with the others and to somewhat get it that my grandfather was not going to be around anymore, but that was okay and we were doing our bit to help him RIP. I get what you say from an adult’s POV, and I wanted things similar before I became a mom myself. However, now with my kids in a very tender age, I would rather they get the essence in this way, the way that helped me when I was young myself.
SS, welcome. I am glad you enjoy the blog. As for Chennai, let me look around.
Taraa, welcome to my blog. Interesting observation there. Bangalore, unfortunately, is neither small nor medium-paced. I would have liked it otherwise, but this is what we have now. We considered a lot of other mid-size towns to come back to, but nothing suited our needs like Bangalore!
You are right about loving it here and elsewhere, because that was true for us too. I was afraid that they may not care/like India too much if they were not raised here.
I was fortunate enough to have not lost a near one during my childhood.
But when one of my neighbours (a Tamilian) died at a young age, I got to witness the occasion through a window. That evening old women were all seated on the floor in a room, beating their chests and wailing loudly for like half an hour. I had seen such scenes in Tamil movies, but was shocked to see it in real life. I felt dissappointed that we Indians cannot behave a bit more civilised and handle a tragedy in a more dignified manner.
Even Indian weddings were a lot less civilsed till recently. Everyone had to leave their footwear outside the mandap which would be an eyesore for anyone entering the place. Thank goodness, these days they allow people to wear their footwear inside.
Came here through Vijay’s blog. Lovely posts… Very practical yet so positive…
Very free flowing write up, infact will come back & catch up on few older posts!!
Appreciate your attention to details.
Comment by Veena Shivanna — May 14, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
I live in the same community that you used to live in the bay area and we met a few times at park etc.. got your blog info from a mutual friend.. i read all the blogs you wrote.. looks like you are enjoying your R2I.. we will follow you soon…Keep writing… love to kids…
Padma, welcome to my blog. Of course I remember you! How are you? Love to your kids.
PS: I was quite sure that I had responded to your comment earlier. I am surprised to see nothing here today! Please feel free to email me if you need anything
Found your Blogs on R2I fairly recently. I am really amazed by the way you put your thoughts into
words. It is a delight going
through your posts. As a child I was always shielded by my parents from anything
remotely linked to death. But as you said death is a
vital aspect of life which needs to be accepted by people. I would definitly want my kids to be able to handle anything in life way better than I can..
“Death is definitely one of the vital aspects of life.” good, thoughtful comment. every stage in the process of ‘aging’ is enjoyable, every situation is enjoyable.
i think the circle of touch points that each of us crave for like people, events, newspaper, mindsets, products, everything.. is hard to get in an alien culture, and that’s the reason we all gravitate towards other desis during weekends. it satisfies the thirst for ‘our kind’ once a week. these are readily in india. rare here.
Comment by apanguluri@gmail.com — April 28, 2007 @ 7:56 pm
A nice post really covering a very important aspect of life - Death and i really enjoyed this.
Comment by ramg — April 28, 2007 @ 7:57 pm
It seems to me you could have all of that for your kids in the US - in fact I think most people in the US do have that - maybe it would’ve involved moving into a different community or broadening yr circle. I know I see this through American eyes, but I think what you describe is not really about India, but maybe about knowing more people. I lived in SF and saw all strata of society and knew people that died and had non tech friends.
Comment by Debbie Ann — April 28, 2007 @ 7:57 pm
Just found your blog and I love it ! I feel most things that you do too. Life was/is just too limiting for us techies in the US. Maybe the solution would have been as a commenter pointed out, to get to know more people from all strata of society.
But having gotten into a comfort zone in a foreign country, it’s hard to break out of the shell.
And heck, there are way more bigger reasons to move back, but these are also pretty significant.
BTW, in response to a previous post, you get fitted sheets and other gorgeous bedding at Maspar (Forum Mall).
Comment by Poppins — April 30, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Having lost my mother just 2 months back (in India), I can relate to this blog very well.
However, as another person commented, I don’t think you will miss these things completely if you are in close circles of other ethnic groups and commnities in and around you.
A couple of months back, a colleague of mine (American) passed away and we attended his memorial service and came to know about the rituals they follow here. Just a month before that my friend’s father (Indian American) passed away and I attended the memorial service. It was in a temple and again a mix of both American, Indian traditional rituals
Comment by nags — April 30, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Every time I read a post of this kind from you I am amazed at the way you and your husband chose to look at things and the kind of choices you made. Bravo!
Comment by Usha — May 2, 2007 @ 7:58 pm
Anil, thanks! Interesting point there about ‘circle of touch points’.
Ram, thanks!
Debbie Ann, what you say is true about life in the US. It is true about anywhere in the world, really! I guess my post doesn’t bring out the family part too much, but that was what made the coming together during the mourning stronger for me. And what Poppins says is true about the reluctance to get out of one’s very comfort zone. Here, we already have a framework!
Poppins, welcome to my blog. You are right about the comfort zone. Thanks for the Maspar suggestion. Will check it out.
Nags, you are right about getting an opportunity to attend the memorial services while in the US. However, personally for me, I would prefer the 13 days with the extended family.
Usha, thanks! Coming from you, it means a lot.
Comment by Chitra — May 3, 2007 @ 7:59 pm
Chitra,
Yes. I agree with you. In fact, Even 13 days are not enough to celebrate (if that is the right word) the life of a person.
Lot of local people here in US understand that and they feel sorry that they are not having these type of rituals that go on for more than 13 days
Comment by nags — May 3, 2007 @ 7:59 pm
My experience while in the US was similar. It seems like most Indian techies in the US seem to have only Indian techies as friends. Surely, nothing prevents them from having people from other walks of life and ethnicities in their social circle.
Indians there hardly seemed to take part in activities such as mountain biking, rock climbing or even plain hiking or camping. I’m sure they would have a more diverse social life if they do so.
I still don’t get the point you tried to make about Indian ceremonies related to death. I would rather grieve privately and get over with the formalities as early as possible. I don’t see the need to make a big issue out of it
Comment by bangalore_zen — May 4, 2007 @ 8:00 pm
Hi, Thanks for stopping by at my blog. This post really hit home .. our social lives here somehow end up being limited to other Indians … I am not saying that it is a bad thing but it is definitely limiting and somewhat unhealthy too (this is my personal opinion, of course)
I find your blog very informative and insightful and am here a lot .. do you know of anyone who has a R21 Madras blog going ?
That would really help me lots!!
Comment by SS — May 5, 2007 @ 8:00 pm
Hey Chitra, got here from SS’s blog, and very glad about that.
Well i personally believe that the kids shape out the best when they grow up in a small town that has a close-knit community, less than 100% infrastructure and a medium pace of life. I have come to this conclusion after many, many observations.
So in a way i know what you’re saying, and i agree with you. I really believe you will not regret bringing you kids back to india and letting them grow up here. When they’re ready to leave home, they’ll love India and will go find new reasons for loving another country too.
Comment by Taraa — May 6, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
bangalore_zen, welcome to my blog. Actually Indians do take part in a lot of outdoor activities, especially the younger crowd. My husband and I did a few of those ourselves. We hiked plenty, went white water rafting, ocean kayaking, skiing etc. However, we stopped most of these after having kids. With 2 young kids, we didn’t do much of our earlier activities. Now, those activities were fun by themselves, however, it didn’t still replace the need for things Indian, especially after the kids were born.
About the ceremonies, look at it from a child’s point of view. Imagine if all the adults had chosen to grieve privately and to just get done with the necessary formalities ASAP, the child will most likely be left confused and in the dark. Instead, bawling loudly, and going through the ceremonies helped me as a child, to grieve with the others and to somewhat get it that my grandfather was not going to be around anymore, but that was okay and we were doing our bit to help him RIP. I get what you say from an adult’s POV, and I wanted things similar before I became a mom myself. However, now with my kids in a very tender age, I would rather they get the essence in this way, the way that helped me when I was young myself.
SS, welcome. I am glad you enjoy the blog. As for Chennai, let me look around.
Taraa, welcome to my blog. Interesting observation there. Bangalore, unfortunately, is neither small nor medium-paced. I would have liked it otherwise, but this is what we have now. We considered a lot of other mid-size towns to come back to, but nothing suited our needs like Bangalore!
You are right about loving it here and elsewhere, because that was true for us too. I was afraid that they may not care/like India too much if they were not raised here.
Comment by Chitra — May 8, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
Chitra,
Loved reading your blogs. This sort of stuff has bugged me for a couple of years and now I have decided to return to India from Singapore.
Life is perfect here and that is what is scary. It is not natural.
I like the optimist in you.
Srivathsa
Comment by Srivathsa — May 10, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
I was fortunate enough to have not lost a near one during my childhood.
But when one of my neighbours (a Tamilian) died at a young age, I got to witness the occasion through a window. That evening old women were all seated on the floor in a room, beating their chests and wailing loudly for like half an hour. I had seen such scenes in Tamil movies, but was shocked to see it in real life. I felt dissappointed that we Indians cannot behave a bit more civilised and handle a tragedy in a more dignified manner.
Even Indian weddings were a lot less civilsed till recently. Everyone had to leave their footwear outside the mandap which would be an eyesore for anyone entering the place. Thank goodness, these days they allow people to wear their footwear inside.
Comment by bangalore_zen — May 14, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Came here through Vijay’s blog. Lovely posts… Very practical yet so positive…
Very free flowing write up, infact will come back & catch up on few older posts!!
Appreciate your attention to details.
Comment by Veena Shivanna — May 14, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Veena, thanks! Welcome to my blog and do come back
Comment by Chitra — May 16, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
Chitra,
I live in the same community that you used to live in the bay area and we met a few times at park etc.. got your blog info from a mutual friend.. i read all the blogs you wrote.. looks like you are enjoying your R2I.. we will follow you soon…Keep writing… love to kids…
Padma
Comment by Padma — May 16, 2007 @ 8:03 pm
Padma, welcome to my blog. Of course I remember you! How are you? Love to your kids.
PS: I was quite sure that I had responded to your comment earlier. I am surprised to see nothing here today! Please feel free to email me if you need anything
Comment by Chitra — June 16, 2007 @ 8:03 pm
just stumbled upon your blog. very nice post! i hope to make use of all your r2i info in the future
Comment by The_Girl_From_Ipanema — October 6, 2007 @ 8:04 pm
Hi Chitra,
Found your Blogs on R2I fairly recently. I am really amazed by the way you put your thoughts into
words. It is a delight going
through your posts. As a child I was always shielded by my parents from anything
remotely linked to death. But as you said death is a
vital aspect of life which needs to be accepted by people. I would definitly want my kids to be able to handle anything in life way better than I can..
keep up the good work,
Lavanya
Comment by Lavanya — October 20, 2007 @ 8:04 pm